I'm sorry I have been traveling physically for months but also have been in deep depression since my return from Kabul jaan. I did a few days in the mountains to decompress and get some body work done, fast, do yoga to just feel my normal self again. Leaving Afghanistan always takes my body back to when I had to flee my home and unwillingly go to India where I didn't really want to go to become a refugee. So I was working those kinks out of my back as well as processing what I saw in Afghanistan which rendered me feeling powerless. I was also praying for 2 of my dearest friends that are battling cancer at a young age. I just didn't know what side was up but I had to meditate and SURRENDER!!!! this was the word that came into my heart after a couple of days of slowing down. And surrender I did, at least I think I did....
As I came out of the mountains, my cell phone started to work, of course I immediately called my mom and dad and the news was
1. While you were gone, your cousin Aaroon died of the brain tumor he was fighting for years in London. Aaroon was my playmate...he gave me my first and last cigarette when we were in 8th grade.
2. your aunt Shomaisa (Mais we call her) is diagnosed with lung cancer and is given 2 months to live. But she has pneumonia and is breathing with the help of machines. It does not look good. Now she is one of the funniest, happiest people I have ever known... I thought people that laughed, they had immunity to F*****g cancer!!!
this is just too much. I lost my best friend Karen Shown to skin cancer (the whitest girl you ever saw) and my sister Freba's friend Tahira jaan to breast cancer both were 38 years old.
What is this??? a cruel joke from above????
well...there goes the retreat... back to square one..back to surrendering... but how??
Last night, I finally was able to connect to Kabul at 3 am. There has been suicide bombs going off in and around Kabul and one was near one of our centers. I have been worried.
Luckily, no one from our project was hurt but I was talking to Noor Jaan (the project director in Kabul) and she was attending a wake today. She had told the lady that lost her husband 3 days before about the misfortune my friends were facing and how awful she felt about it. This is how the newly widowed replied:
"I wish my husband had come up with a disease or cancer, at least I would have had a chance to spend some more time with him. Even if he didn't make it at the end, I would have had a few more months with him. Now he was fine one minute, went shopping...then next thing his brothers were picking up his pieces from the street and from the trees."
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???
How do I stay in my self pity and deep depression and indulge when precious life on the other side of the globe has absolutely NO VALUE to militants and military alike???
I'm so shaken up but cannot afford to lose my faith once again... God help us all...